Thanks for the insight! The U.S. citizenry has definitely succumbed to the twin oscillating onslaughts of right (now ascendant) and left demagoguery. It wasn't this bad half a century ago, and that's saying something in the wake of assassinations and Nixon and Watergate. But all that aside, your post illuminates that a culture can become both reasonable and responsible.
I'm afraid the Dutch, as you've described them, are correct that ideological restraints on opinion lead to more social damage than social comfort. They seem to appreciate that we are all bound by our problems, and that the problems of anyone are a problem for everyone. Well, damn the Dutch for their enlightenment! In the U.S., for a brief day or a week (circa 1974) we had something approaching that. But our hubris and neglect forced those hopes into internal exile (which is where so many of us in the U.S. are right now).
“Just keep asking questions that push further and further into the idea until it implodes.” That sentiment you mentioned really indicates the scientific and engineering mindset. Until humans are willing to admit we get it wrong most of the time, we can never be free of our worst tendencies. But asking questions can work if practiced enough. Damn the Dutch! Long live the Dutch!
I love this perspective on resilience. It acknowledges that part of growing up—and really, part of being human—is learning to navigate the messiness of relationships. People will hurt us, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not. And while we have to decide what we’re willing to tolerate, we also have to recognize that conflict and discomfort are inevitable parts of life. As an assistant principal I can say most parents want their kids to not feel discomfort. They might say they want them to be resilient but when it comes down to it they would rather have their child avoid the problem all together than face the challenge. So how can you become resilient?
Teaching kids to sit with those tough emotions, to process rather than react impulsively, gives them real power. It’s not about just “sucking it up” or letting bad behavior slide—it’s about equipping them with the ability to think critically, to stand their ground when needed, and to choose their responses rather than being controlled by them.
This kind of resilience builds strength from the inside out. Instead of just following rules because an authority figure says so, kids learn to trust their own judgment. They don’t just comply with power; they understand how to engage with the world on their own terms. That’s real empowerment.
Kelly, I appreciate this perspective. I saw this just the other day and it helped me to clarify my own discomfort of sharing potentially 'unpopular' opnions on this platform and some of the feedback I have received. And, although this space feels much more conducive to constructive dialogue and nuanced perspectives, I still feel a somewhat 'elitist' presence that says, 'I am the educated one,' and 'this is the right way to think.' Maybe it's just me but it does feel stifling, even if I am wrong! https://www.instagram.com/reel/DF_XjILuGsv/?igsh=MXR6Ynlzamo2NW8wNA==
I was looking forward to this post, and loved reading it. Lots here to challenge me, and I welcome it. I'm so interested in what you said about the Dutch understanding that a teacher or neighbor or whoever expressing an offensive or uncomfortable opinion is just...one person's opinion. And while of course a LOT of people are out here parroting opinions they've heard as a way of identifying themselves as belonging to a particular "side," I do think we've really lost the art of actually hearing individuals' opinions AS individual in America. How funny, given our near-cultish insistence that all our problems are to be solved by the individual; we don't allow space for someone to actually SPEAK as one. Anything you say can and will be held against you in the court of public opinion. From what you describe, it's just the opposite in the Netherlands: you get to speak as a person, but when it comes to societal solutions, people aren't expected to bootstrap themselves out of anything (because how does that even make sense?). Fascinating stuff.
I wonder if to some extent, our American fear of tolerating a "bad" opinion stems from the fact that we don't actually know how to make space for discomfort or dissent in any way. If you say something out of pocket, and the response is merely "hey, I don't like that!" (rather than "hey, YOU CAN'T SAY THAT," which feels more powerful) so often the counter-response is "fuck you if you don't like it, what are you, a baby? CRY ABOUT IT MORE." This is...not discourse. But it is our Discourse, if that makes sense. We don't GET anywhere. So no wonder we just ascribe everyone to whatever box we think their stated opinion fits into. Having uncomfortable conversations, person-to-person, would require us to admit that things hurt us, to admit that maybe we haven't thought something through, to admit that we're afraid to get kicked out of our tribe if we blaspheme. All of which is to say, in my long-winded way: You're absolutely right, it's about emotional maturity. We Americans really and truly lack it on a societal level. For all our yapping about how much we love freedom of speech, we are terrified that we won't be forgiven for truly using it. And so many people HAVE been burned by their peers and loved ones for this, I can hardly even blame them, in a way? We don't have a cultural lexicon for atonement. We don't know what "repairing a relationship" looks like any more than we know what "changing our mind" looks like. It's a gaping hole in our cultural existence, and it's deeply sad and damaging.
It's honestly so refreshing to see your takes on How Other Places Do It. I think Americans have been trained to perceive Europe as "Basically Us, But Older And Probably Weaker," but of course that's not remotely true, and it's beyond fascinating to hear you dissect the many nuances and places where our cultures diverge. I think sometimes the messaging here in the US is also "well, it's not like there's any OTHER way to do things," so it's both emotionally and practically gratifying to see it spelled out that of course there is. There are as many "other ways to do things" as there are places and groups of people. We can all learn something from each other.
Katie, this essay really got me thinking as well. On the part about being burned, I have spoken with so many people who have experienced their families breaking up over politics since 2016. Probably longer, but this is what I know about. I was banished from my own family that year for basically saying that black lives matter, long story but I stand by my statement and the terrible feelings I had for years being shut out from the tribe who raised me. It just would never have occurred to me to cut people off for a difference of opinion. But I saw friends and young people doing this all over the place. Cutting off parents from their grandchildren and such. Just the other day I met with a political activist group and being not young but one the youngest people there a woman asked me what to do about her kids who all voted from Tump, I said to listen to them. To 'hear them out, and you might find some common ground.' I feel silly and hopelessly idealistic for saying this but they only way were are ever going to gain back sane public discourse and create any sort of a unified movement country is stop cutting people off who don't agree with us on everything, especially when we have so so much in common.
I really like the Dutch approach to problem solving. I have empathy, but more importantly as a practical matter, these practices better achieve the outcome we seek. What I have learned in the US over the last decade is that most Americans are not evidence-driven in this way. And I don’t see a path for changing that, at least not quickly.
I love this so much. I am kind of a bleeding heart, but I’m also a co-owner at a worker-owned co-op, and we don’t co-op because of our bleeding hearts. We co-op because it’s a better way to work and live, and because it f*%king works! We are a more resilient and more profitable company, employee morale is high, and turnover is low.
What we’ve been doing in the U.S. does NOT work, regardless of who's in charge. The results are in. They have been in for quite some time.
Seems to me the Dutch approach takes the hysteria out of everything….how very soothing that must be right now…..for we are living in extremely hysterical times.
When I read your first political post on here a few weeks ago, I thought it was brilliant. And now I realize I didn’t quite grasp where you were going with that cause, holy cow, Janelle, now all I want to do is to force everyone I know to read this latest post. I’m kidding. Or not. (Seriously, though, is there a pay wall on this cause I would absolutely love to share it but it would be quite pointless if all folks can read is the first couple paragraphs…)
To get the obvious out of the way, your take on the Dutch pragmatism? No idea, I’ve never lived there, but, coincidentally, it also seems to nearly perfectly describes the German approach to society I grew up with, too, so it seems quite plausible to me — and now I’m suddenly beginning to understand where this odd stereotype of German efficiency comes from. Weird, how things that just seemed common sense growing up suddenly look so very different, once you just shift the baseline and cultural perspective slightly. Who knew. American politics is so much driven by emotion and culture war crap that people entirely miss the pragmatic necessity level. Well, that and the zero sum scarcity mind set they’re pushing so effectively here in the states that it has the peasants fighting for scraps while a few ultra rich launch rockets to Mars. Damn, I miss Bernie!
What really amazes me, though, is your analyses of the utterly dysfunctional social discourse in America because it’s in a way so straight forward, yet people seem either unable to see it or don’t dare saying it out loud. The lack of truly open minded discussion here in the U.S. has been driving me absolutely crazy! What you describe there is precisely what I meant with my comment on your previous post, when I said I’ve always found it so fascinating that many European countries are economically and regarding their social safety net so much more progressive, social and humane, but culturally somewhat more conservative BUT also much less dogmatic. And I never thought about it in that way, but you’re right, this does in the end lead to much more progressive outcomes. You’re allowed to have opinions that are outside of group think and say them out loud too, without being immediately yelled at by one end of the spectrum or the other, which fosters an openness for change and progress.
This American censorship of actual open and nuanced discussion of hot topics absolutely can only lead to one thing: more polarization and tribalism. Seriously, how can anyone expect a different outcome, if people aren’t allowed to actually discuss controversial topics but instead are reduced to screaming talking points at each other? You can censor what people say out loud but you can’t censor what they think. It’s not fucking quantum physics. Sorry for the rant. Can you tell that I’ve been bottling this up for a while now?
Also, I couldn’t agree more, the left is screaming fascism at any idea they perceive as a threat to their ideology. On the flip side, the right has the unfortunate habit of decrying everything that isn’t unbridled capitalism and actually helps people as socialist and communist. And where did all of this get us? To a point where it’s so impossible to convince anyone who doesn’t believe it already that anything is fucking serious. Because everyone lives in their bubbles and just picks and chooses what to believe these days while labeling whatever they don’t want to believe as fake or exaggerated fear mongering. On both sides. It’s so depressing and scary. How do we fix this mess, before it totally tears down any remotely healthy social and political discourse necessary for democracy to even have a fighting chance? I’m clearly not Dutch because, damn I’m so scared of where all this has gotten us already.
To be clear, though, I do think what we’re dealing with here in the U.S. currently is a fast road to autocracy and fascism. What’s been happening on the federal government level these past few weeks is pretty alarming, real life tangible stuff. The systematic firing and replacing of civil servants and pretty much everyone else in government positions with loyalists. The brazen gerrymandering and voter suppression — well, that’s been happening for a long time, but still. The crazy access to data and large scale government systems Musk and his DOGE bros have gotten. The flat out refusal of the administration to be bound by laws, court orders or even the constitution. We aren’t just looking at ridiculous memes and stupid talking points anymore. Shit’s gotten very real over here and it’s fucking terrifying.
Maybe I said a bit too much here. I just got really excited about the idea that we can actually discuss all the ideas and views, the good and the totally ignorant ones too, in an actually productive way. It feels so liberating.
This was so helpful in putting into words why I feel so uncomfortable with the rhetoric of "the left" here in the US even though my political leanings are quite left, and I think you get at that when you talk about how the Dutch don't enact policies because they're "nice", but because they actually work. Everything you described within Dutch culture honestly sounds dreamy to me, even if it would make me squirm. The binary thinking, the culture wars, are all so exhausting here. I'd love to disagree with someone without it meaning that one of us is inherently bad.
Haha, the Dutch sound like the Germans in terms of being straightforward and saying whatever's on their minds. My parents had a German house cleaner for a long time. When I went back to visit them and had chopped my hair really short, she didn't even say hello — just "You cut off your beautiful long hair, well it will grow back!" Cracked me up.
Seriously, this essay should be required reading for everyone in the U.S. We're doing everything all wrong, and look where it's landed us. If it only weren't for all those other things, like the weather ... but hey, at least you have a reasonable populace. Clearly, that's no small feat.
I feel like this should be sent to every single politician in the U.S., not that most of them will read it. Enough of them might, possibly enough to get some actual movement going.
As a trans person, I feel a bunch of pressure to change the world but I’m no activist. I’m just a parent. I wipe runny noses and try to remember what to buy at the store. I try to keep my house clean and be good to my neighbors. I like to read and write and take a hot shower before bed. I wish that was enough - reading this, I realize it is enough. It’s plenty.
I have loved your writing for ten years, since your youngest is just a little older than my fourth baby and I remember sleepless nights spent nursing a newborn, reading your essays, and crying and laughing.
(You and I are the same age…only I somehow ended up having two more kids during the past ten years. 😁)
I really appreciated this. It’s fascinating to hear about your adventures in European life. And even though I’ve never commented on your posts before, here goes, a response to this paragraph:
<<And while Trump feeds his base the ego-food of sticking it to the libs, he and his billionaire friends run around destroying and rebuilding our nation into a technocratic hellscape that will so deeply harm the people who voted for him. Yet they will run gleefully into their own destruction because they’re effectively “owning the libs.” Ah, isn’t it satisfying to be on top?>>
I do think this is inaccurate. This is NOT how or why Trump won, and as long as progressives continue to believe and trumpet this mischaracterization, along with vilifying all non-democrat voters as evil uneducated racist scum, they will never understand some of the largest issues facing Americans of all colors and occupations.
Trump got elected by assembling a truly beyond-partisan coalition: so many people both similar to and also UNLIKE us, such a diversity of backgrounds and situations and experiences and beliefs, got politically united for a split second in this grand American experiment (I know, we can debate whether it’s grand, and I certainly never have had much patriotic loyalty, but it IS an experiment) by an incredibly nuanced set of visions to hope for. Many Trump voters understood, just for one example and even when lawmakers don’t, what the economic squeeze is doing to average people, and how stupid it is for politicians to censor people rather than trying to understand them. Many other Trump voters are tired of hearing “change comes slowly” when it’s obvious that change comes quite quickly indeed if your lobbyists and “friends” are highly paid enough. I’m not saying Trump is a godsend to the working man. I AM saying that he got elected by them, while the progressives ridiculed and took them for granted (plus here there were mandates for an experimental vaccine that didn’t prevent transmission or infection), and continue to do so by denying their intelligence when these voters chose the single other possible choice. I’ve been talking to a LOT of different people over the past five years, and while I certainly don’t agree with all of them on everything, two things are clear to me: all republican voters are NOT the same, and they are not stupid. To say that people are idiots when they disagree with you is not very conducive to understanding an issue or delving into nuance. Attack the idea, not the person: this is the goal, right?
I do believe it is this working class populism that propelled Trump to win despite soooo many flaws, and why - despite the many problems one can find with his reign thus far - for the first time in my memory, more people in actual governmental positions are doing what they can to try to salvage this system (ahem RFK, I am not a groupie, really). Trump’s presidency is actually more progressive than Biden’s or Obama’s ever was, from this perspective. Things might crash and burn, I’m the first to admit, and maybe it’s too little too late, or just too little, period…and not sure it can be done anyway, so mostly I’m trying to engage in non political things like building a house for my family that doesn’t make us sick, but: I can’t help spending lots of time thinking about all the things my progressive parents raised me to believe are very important. ❤️ A progressive recognizes everyone’s humanity. I will never vote for another politician who attempts to win by talking about how awful their opponent’s supporters are, while sharing talking points with no details of any actual plans and policies. I’m not an idiot, and I want the DETAILS of those plans and policies! Plus they have to be good ones, at least 51% good. Plus I’d like some respect. And no medical mandates. I’m an easy voter to please, so there you go! 😁👍👍👍
Sarabeth, it is truly baffling to me how folks still support the current administration (I'm not sure if you are reading about the response to Trump/Vance internationally) but since you seem to have an authentic wish to engage with others surrounding that topic, do you mind sharing what aspects of Trump's first month in office you find positive or progressive?
Well, here’s the stretch: he has appointed NOT only tribal (I.e. bought and paid for allies who claim to align with him at every turn), but ALSO non-party-allied, non corporately sponsored individuals to advance bi partisan policy aims. RFK is the biggest example of this, since he now heads the government agency with the biggest budget, and acknowledges (paraphrased) “…I’d be upset about working with me if I read what the legacy media prints! But there are no Democrat children or Republican children, only Children, and they all deserve a chance to be healthy again.” RFK is not (yet 🤞🤞🤞) industry funded, and his biggest immediate goal is absolute transparency in scientific research, and elimination of the conflicts of interest that everyone will agree should not be there in the first place. No partisan argument there!
I can’t comment about most of his other policies, because the most significant hopes I had if he won vs. Harris were 1. Avoiding WW3; 2. Defending freedom of speech; and 3. Uncovering the incredible corruption in the “health” “care” system in American, which is now a significant percentage of our GDP and some of the poorest outcomes in the developed world while we also have nearly the sickest populace.
I was unable to determine if Harris had any good policies to offer at all, and when given false choices like these, we peasants get to bicker amongst ourselves while the elephants in the living room just go nuts. I’m hopeful mostly because I realize that outside of the political arena, actual average people are not the extremists on the left NOR right, and possibly there’s still time for us to work together on a local level, transcending the binary left/right insanity toward mutual human goals. This feels a lot better than when my “progressive” mandate was “hate everyone who doesn’t toe the line.”👍
Excellent piece, Janelle! This line really stood out: “Allowing even awful ideas to enter the room may be unpleasant, but it is the only way to avoid the endless cycle of forced complacency and rotating censorship based on whoever has power.” So true!
Thinkfood for me - especially as a German and alien to both the American as well as the Dutch way of thinking, behaving and living.
Still remember when we met and you told me about American reality - that was a cultural shock, I can say! I have improved since then, and while reading your new essay, experienced quite a few "shattering" of my "beloved convictions".
I believe your contribution to human culture is deep and should be read by many. No, not bold "giving sweets to you", but felt like this for quite some time and considering it.
Aicha, I’m German too and lived in Berlin before moving to California at age 27. I’m curious, do you think the Dutch approach Janelle describes here sounds really so different from the German one? To me, it really sounds like much of what I grew up with. It might be very different, depending on where in Germany you live (which region, rural vs urban etc), though, and I’m also not sure how drastically things have changed back home in the 16 years since I moved, so I’m curious about your view on the current cultural landscape in Germany.
Thanks for asking about my opinion. And that's what it can be: A single opinion... based on my many experiences and following Janelle on Facebook practically since she came over here.
I'm living in Bonn, Bad Godesberg exactly, it's not a big city and it's not rural. And it's at the Southern end of Nordrhein- Westfalen. Nothing like Berlin, though. But as I did never live in Berlin it is difficult to compare it to here.
What I can tell you is that in fact there is quite a BIG difference between the German and the Dutch health-system, school-system, food-control, respect and taking in consideration for our citizens.
Let's say it has very much deteriorated and is going for the worse.
So, yes, I think the Dutch approach Janelle describes really sounds very different to the German one!
Thanks for your response! Janelle’s descriptions sound so much like what I remember from my childhood and college years, but that was in the 80s-mid-2000. I still have friends and family back home, so I have definitely heard disturbing stories about how much worse things have gotten, especially with regard to xenophobia and economic issues. But hearing things is definitely very different from living them. And I’m totally not in the loop on the current reality of schooling since all my kids were born here in California.
That’s so sad to hear that Germany has changed so drastically. I probably shouldn’t be surprised, though, looking at how much support the AfD has been getting, things must be going in the wrong directions.
I’m really curious what public political discourse looks like in Germany these days. I imagine the age of the internet and social media landscape probably has reshaped that quite a bit too, over the past decade and a half.
You're right supposing that the Internet and social media have shaped the political discourse in Germany. Very much so. It's very difficult to say there's a main stream - if not the official news channels. Everybody, I.e. EVERY political community or party, is declaring a mixture of Truth and Lies and as a member of the public it's extremely difficult to find out the facts. Sometimes the facts are just put together in a way they appear differently..
Maybe the thing which is lacking amidst all this apparent "freedom" could be a real ethic approach. So: One day before the elections there is a lot of chaos "in the air".
Hopefully, after this period of chaos, there will be a better and more human period.
Loved this piece! Makes me want to cry. Makes me want to move to the Netherlands... except for the bit about the weather. But then again, I've been wearing metal spikes on my boots for the past couple weeks so I don't fall on the omnipresent ice. :-) How wonderful, and how very interesting, it must be to live where open discussion and debate is the norm.
Love this insight. I feel like I'm in don't look up most days - "if we can't agree that (the end of the world) is a bad fucking thing, what the hell happened to us? How do we even talk to each other, how do we fix it?" And yes it is petty af, emotionally stunted men incapable of insight, schoolyard bullies with unlimited power. It is not the America I was taught to love growing up in the 90s, the one of open discourse and equal rights and the place where everyone wanted to be - and oh how critical thinking and emotional maturity are needed for building that.
Thanks for the insight! The U.S. citizenry has definitely succumbed to the twin oscillating onslaughts of right (now ascendant) and left demagoguery. It wasn't this bad half a century ago, and that's saying something in the wake of assassinations and Nixon and Watergate. But all that aside, your post illuminates that a culture can become both reasonable and responsible.
I'm afraid the Dutch, as you've described them, are correct that ideological restraints on opinion lead to more social damage than social comfort. They seem to appreciate that we are all bound by our problems, and that the problems of anyone are a problem for everyone. Well, damn the Dutch for their enlightenment! In the U.S., for a brief day or a week (circa 1974) we had something approaching that. But our hubris and neglect forced those hopes into internal exile (which is where so many of us in the U.S. are right now).
“Just keep asking questions that push further and further into the idea until it implodes.” That sentiment you mentioned really indicates the scientific and engineering mindset. Until humans are willing to admit we get it wrong most of the time, we can never be free of our worst tendencies. But asking questions can work if practiced enough. Damn the Dutch! Long live the Dutch!
I love this perspective on resilience. It acknowledges that part of growing up—and really, part of being human—is learning to navigate the messiness of relationships. People will hurt us, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not. And while we have to decide what we’re willing to tolerate, we also have to recognize that conflict and discomfort are inevitable parts of life. As an assistant principal I can say most parents want their kids to not feel discomfort. They might say they want them to be resilient but when it comes down to it they would rather have their child avoid the problem all together than face the challenge. So how can you become resilient?
Teaching kids to sit with those tough emotions, to process rather than react impulsively, gives them real power. It’s not about just “sucking it up” or letting bad behavior slide—it’s about equipping them with the ability to think critically, to stand their ground when needed, and to choose their responses rather than being controlled by them.
This kind of resilience builds strength from the inside out. Instead of just following rules because an authority figure says so, kids learn to trust their own judgment. They don’t just comply with power; they understand how to engage with the world on their own terms. That’s real empowerment.
Kelly, I appreciate this perspective. I saw this just the other day and it helped me to clarify my own discomfort of sharing potentially 'unpopular' opnions on this platform and some of the feedback I have received. And, although this space feels much more conducive to constructive dialogue and nuanced perspectives, I still feel a somewhat 'elitist' presence that says, 'I am the educated one,' and 'this is the right way to think.' Maybe it's just me but it does feel stifling, even if I am wrong! https://www.instagram.com/reel/DF_XjILuGsv/?igsh=MXR6Ynlzamo2NW8wNA==
Yesssss! I saw this. I’m actually writing a book on resilience and this post and Janelle’s are giving me inspiration! ❤️
I was looking forward to this post, and loved reading it. Lots here to challenge me, and I welcome it. I'm so interested in what you said about the Dutch understanding that a teacher or neighbor or whoever expressing an offensive or uncomfortable opinion is just...one person's opinion. And while of course a LOT of people are out here parroting opinions they've heard as a way of identifying themselves as belonging to a particular "side," I do think we've really lost the art of actually hearing individuals' opinions AS individual in America. How funny, given our near-cultish insistence that all our problems are to be solved by the individual; we don't allow space for someone to actually SPEAK as one. Anything you say can and will be held against you in the court of public opinion. From what you describe, it's just the opposite in the Netherlands: you get to speak as a person, but when it comes to societal solutions, people aren't expected to bootstrap themselves out of anything (because how does that even make sense?). Fascinating stuff.
I wonder if to some extent, our American fear of tolerating a "bad" opinion stems from the fact that we don't actually know how to make space for discomfort or dissent in any way. If you say something out of pocket, and the response is merely "hey, I don't like that!" (rather than "hey, YOU CAN'T SAY THAT," which feels more powerful) so often the counter-response is "fuck you if you don't like it, what are you, a baby? CRY ABOUT IT MORE." This is...not discourse. But it is our Discourse, if that makes sense. We don't GET anywhere. So no wonder we just ascribe everyone to whatever box we think their stated opinion fits into. Having uncomfortable conversations, person-to-person, would require us to admit that things hurt us, to admit that maybe we haven't thought something through, to admit that we're afraid to get kicked out of our tribe if we blaspheme. All of which is to say, in my long-winded way: You're absolutely right, it's about emotional maturity. We Americans really and truly lack it on a societal level. For all our yapping about how much we love freedom of speech, we are terrified that we won't be forgiven for truly using it. And so many people HAVE been burned by their peers and loved ones for this, I can hardly even blame them, in a way? We don't have a cultural lexicon for atonement. We don't know what "repairing a relationship" looks like any more than we know what "changing our mind" looks like. It's a gaping hole in our cultural existence, and it's deeply sad and damaging.
It's honestly so refreshing to see your takes on How Other Places Do It. I think Americans have been trained to perceive Europe as "Basically Us, But Older And Probably Weaker," but of course that's not remotely true, and it's beyond fascinating to hear you dissect the many nuances and places where our cultures diverge. I think sometimes the messaging here in the US is also "well, it's not like there's any OTHER way to do things," so it's both emotionally and practically gratifying to see it spelled out that of course there is. There are as many "other ways to do things" as there are places and groups of people. We can all learn something from each other.
Katie, this essay really got me thinking as well. On the part about being burned, I have spoken with so many people who have experienced their families breaking up over politics since 2016. Probably longer, but this is what I know about. I was banished from my own family that year for basically saying that black lives matter, long story but I stand by my statement and the terrible feelings I had for years being shut out from the tribe who raised me. It just would never have occurred to me to cut people off for a difference of opinion. But I saw friends and young people doing this all over the place. Cutting off parents from their grandchildren and such. Just the other day I met with a political activist group and being not young but one the youngest people there a woman asked me what to do about her kids who all voted from Tump, I said to listen to them. To 'hear them out, and you might find some common ground.' I feel silly and hopelessly idealistic for saying this but they only way were are ever going to gain back sane public discourse and create any sort of a unified movement country is stop cutting people off who don't agree with us on everything, especially when we have so so much in common.
On this note here is another substack I have been appreciating https://open.substack.com/pub/karldunn/p/how-to-actually-destroy-your-enemy?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=18pp3a
I love this reply, Katie
I really like the Dutch approach to problem solving. I have empathy, but more importantly as a practical matter, these practices better achieve the outcome we seek. What I have learned in the US over the last decade is that most Americans are not evidence-driven in this way. And I don’t see a path for changing that, at least not quickly.
I love this so much. I am kind of a bleeding heart, but I’m also a co-owner at a worker-owned co-op, and we don’t co-op because of our bleeding hearts. We co-op because it’s a better way to work and live, and because it f*%king works! We are a more resilient and more profitable company, employee morale is high, and turnover is low.
What we’ve been doing in the U.S. does NOT work, regardless of who's in charge. The results are in. They have been in for quite some time.
Seems to me the Dutch approach takes the hysteria out of everything….how very soothing that must be right now…..for we are living in extremely hysterical times.
When I read your first political post on here a few weeks ago, I thought it was brilliant. And now I realize I didn’t quite grasp where you were going with that cause, holy cow, Janelle, now all I want to do is to force everyone I know to read this latest post. I’m kidding. Or not. (Seriously, though, is there a pay wall on this cause I would absolutely love to share it but it would be quite pointless if all folks can read is the first couple paragraphs…)
To get the obvious out of the way, your take on the Dutch pragmatism? No idea, I’ve never lived there, but, coincidentally, it also seems to nearly perfectly describes the German approach to society I grew up with, too, so it seems quite plausible to me — and now I’m suddenly beginning to understand where this odd stereotype of German efficiency comes from. Weird, how things that just seemed common sense growing up suddenly look so very different, once you just shift the baseline and cultural perspective slightly. Who knew. American politics is so much driven by emotion and culture war crap that people entirely miss the pragmatic necessity level. Well, that and the zero sum scarcity mind set they’re pushing so effectively here in the states that it has the peasants fighting for scraps while a few ultra rich launch rockets to Mars. Damn, I miss Bernie!
What really amazes me, though, is your analyses of the utterly dysfunctional social discourse in America because it’s in a way so straight forward, yet people seem either unable to see it or don’t dare saying it out loud. The lack of truly open minded discussion here in the U.S. has been driving me absolutely crazy! What you describe there is precisely what I meant with my comment on your previous post, when I said I’ve always found it so fascinating that many European countries are economically and regarding their social safety net so much more progressive, social and humane, but culturally somewhat more conservative BUT also much less dogmatic. And I never thought about it in that way, but you’re right, this does in the end lead to much more progressive outcomes. You’re allowed to have opinions that are outside of group think and say them out loud too, without being immediately yelled at by one end of the spectrum or the other, which fosters an openness for change and progress.
This American censorship of actual open and nuanced discussion of hot topics absolutely can only lead to one thing: more polarization and tribalism. Seriously, how can anyone expect a different outcome, if people aren’t allowed to actually discuss controversial topics but instead are reduced to screaming talking points at each other? You can censor what people say out loud but you can’t censor what they think. It’s not fucking quantum physics. Sorry for the rant. Can you tell that I’ve been bottling this up for a while now?
Also, I couldn’t agree more, the left is screaming fascism at any idea they perceive as a threat to their ideology. On the flip side, the right has the unfortunate habit of decrying everything that isn’t unbridled capitalism and actually helps people as socialist and communist. And where did all of this get us? To a point where it’s so impossible to convince anyone who doesn’t believe it already that anything is fucking serious. Because everyone lives in their bubbles and just picks and chooses what to believe these days while labeling whatever they don’t want to believe as fake or exaggerated fear mongering. On both sides. It’s so depressing and scary. How do we fix this mess, before it totally tears down any remotely healthy social and political discourse necessary for democracy to even have a fighting chance? I’m clearly not Dutch because, damn I’m so scared of where all this has gotten us already.
To be clear, though, I do think what we’re dealing with here in the U.S. currently is a fast road to autocracy and fascism. What’s been happening on the federal government level these past few weeks is pretty alarming, real life tangible stuff. The systematic firing and replacing of civil servants and pretty much everyone else in government positions with loyalists. The brazen gerrymandering and voter suppression — well, that’s been happening for a long time, but still. The crazy access to data and large scale government systems Musk and his DOGE bros have gotten. The flat out refusal of the administration to be bound by laws, court orders or even the constitution. We aren’t just looking at ridiculous memes and stupid talking points anymore. Shit’s gotten very real over here and it’s fucking terrifying.
Maybe I said a bit too much here. I just got really excited about the idea that we can actually discuss all the ideas and views, the good and the totally ignorant ones too, in an actually productive way. It feels so liberating.
This was so helpful in putting into words why I feel so uncomfortable with the rhetoric of "the left" here in the US even though my political leanings are quite left, and I think you get at that when you talk about how the Dutch don't enact policies because they're "nice", but because they actually work. Everything you described within Dutch culture honestly sounds dreamy to me, even if it would make me squirm. The binary thinking, the culture wars, are all so exhausting here. I'd love to disagree with someone without it meaning that one of us is inherently bad.
Haha, the Dutch sound like the Germans in terms of being straightforward and saying whatever's on their minds. My parents had a German house cleaner for a long time. When I went back to visit them and had chopped my hair really short, she didn't even say hello — just "You cut off your beautiful long hair, well it will grow back!" Cracked me up.
Seriously, this essay should be required reading for everyone in the U.S. We're doing everything all wrong, and look where it's landed us. If it only weren't for all those other things, like the weather ... but hey, at least you have a reasonable populace. Clearly, that's no small feat.
I feel like this should be sent to every single politician in the U.S., not that most of them will read it. Enough of them might, possibly enough to get some actual movement going.
Yes — and it would require a major cultural shift, something politicians alone can’t create.
As a trans person, I feel a bunch of pressure to change the world but I’m no activist. I’m just a parent. I wipe runny noses and try to remember what to buy at the store. I try to keep my house clean and be good to my neighbors. I like to read and write and take a hot shower before bed. I wish that was enough - reading this, I realize it is enough. It’s plenty.
I have loved your writing for ten years, since your youngest is just a little older than my fourth baby and I remember sleepless nights spent nursing a newborn, reading your essays, and crying and laughing.
(You and I are the same age…only I somehow ended up having two more kids during the past ten years. 😁)
I really appreciated this. It’s fascinating to hear about your adventures in European life. And even though I’ve never commented on your posts before, here goes, a response to this paragraph:
<<And while Trump feeds his base the ego-food of sticking it to the libs, he and his billionaire friends run around destroying and rebuilding our nation into a technocratic hellscape that will so deeply harm the people who voted for him. Yet they will run gleefully into their own destruction because they’re effectively “owning the libs.” Ah, isn’t it satisfying to be on top?>>
I do think this is inaccurate. This is NOT how or why Trump won, and as long as progressives continue to believe and trumpet this mischaracterization, along with vilifying all non-democrat voters as evil uneducated racist scum, they will never understand some of the largest issues facing Americans of all colors and occupations.
Trump got elected by assembling a truly beyond-partisan coalition: so many people both similar to and also UNLIKE us, such a diversity of backgrounds and situations and experiences and beliefs, got politically united for a split second in this grand American experiment (I know, we can debate whether it’s grand, and I certainly never have had much patriotic loyalty, but it IS an experiment) by an incredibly nuanced set of visions to hope for. Many Trump voters understood, just for one example and even when lawmakers don’t, what the economic squeeze is doing to average people, and how stupid it is for politicians to censor people rather than trying to understand them. Many other Trump voters are tired of hearing “change comes slowly” when it’s obvious that change comes quite quickly indeed if your lobbyists and “friends” are highly paid enough. I’m not saying Trump is a godsend to the working man. I AM saying that he got elected by them, while the progressives ridiculed and took them for granted (plus here there were mandates for an experimental vaccine that didn’t prevent transmission or infection), and continue to do so by denying their intelligence when these voters chose the single other possible choice. I’ve been talking to a LOT of different people over the past five years, and while I certainly don’t agree with all of them on everything, two things are clear to me: all republican voters are NOT the same, and they are not stupid. To say that people are idiots when they disagree with you is not very conducive to understanding an issue or delving into nuance. Attack the idea, not the person: this is the goal, right?
I do believe it is this working class populism that propelled Trump to win despite soooo many flaws, and why - despite the many problems one can find with his reign thus far - for the first time in my memory, more people in actual governmental positions are doing what they can to try to salvage this system (ahem RFK, I am not a groupie, really). Trump’s presidency is actually more progressive than Biden’s or Obama’s ever was, from this perspective. Things might crash and burn, I’m the first to admit, and maybe it’s too little too late, or just too little, period…and not sure it can be done anyway, so mostly I’m trying to engage in non political things like building a house for my family that doesn’t make us sick, but: I can’t help spending lots of time thinking about all the things my progressive parents raised me to believe are very important. ❤️ A progressive recognizes everyone’s humanity. I will never vote for another politician who attempts to win by talking about how awful their opponent’s supporters are, while sharing talking points with no details of any actual plans and policies. I’m not an idiot, and I want the DETAILS of those plans and policies! Plus they have to be good ones, at least 51% good. Plus I’d like some respect. And no medical mandates. I’m an easy voter to please, so there you go! 😁👍👍👍
Sarabeth, it is truly baffling to me how folks still support the current administration (I'm not sure if you are reading about the response to Trump/Vance internationally) but since you seem to have an authentic wish to engage with others surrounding that topic, do you mind sharing what aspects of Trump's first month in office you find positive or progressive?
Well, here’s the stretch: he has appointed NOT only tribal (I.e. bought and paid for allies who claim to align with him at every turn), but ALSO non-party-allied, non corporately sponsored individuals to advance bi partisan policy aims. RFK is the biggest example of this, since he now heads the government agency with the biggest budget, and acknowledges (paraphrased) “…I’d be upset about working with me if I read what the legacy media prints! But there are no Democrat children or Republican children, only Children, and they all deserve a chance to be healthy again.” RFK is not (yet 🤞🤞🤞) industry funded, and his biggest immediate goal is absolute transparency in scientific research, and elimination of the conflicts of interest that everyone will agree should not be there in the first place. No partisan argument there!
I can’t comment about most of his other policies, because the most significant hopes I had if he won vs. Harris were 1. Avoiding WW3; 2. Defending freedom of speech; and 3. Uncovering the incredible corruption in the “health” “care” system in American, which is now a significant percentage of our GDP and some of the poorest outcomes in the developed world while we also have nearly the sickest populace.
I was unable to determine if Harris had any good policies to offer at all, and when given false choices like these, we peasants get to bicker amongst ourselves while the elephants in the living room just go nuts. I’m hopeful mostly because I realize that outside of the political arena, actual average people are not the extremists on the left NOR right, and possibly there’s still time for us to work together on a local level, transcending the binary left/right insanity toward mutual human goals. This feels a lot better than when my “progressive” mandate was “hate everyone who doesn’t toe the line.”👍
Excellent piece, Janelle! This line really stood out: “Allowing even awful ideas to enter the room may be unpleasant, but it is the only way to avoid the endless cycle of forced complacency and rotating censorship based on whoever has power.” So true!
Thinkfood for me - especially as a German and alien to both the American as well as the Dutch way of thinking, behaving and living.
Still remember when we met and you told me about American reality - that was a cultural shock, I can say! I have improved since then, and while reading your new essay, experienced quite a few "shattering" of my "beloved convictions".
I believe your contribution to human culture is deep and should be read by many. No, not bold "giving sweets to you", but felt like this for quite some time and considering it.
Thanks for being an eye-opener!
Aicha, I’m German too and lived in Berlin before moving to California at age 27. I’m curious, do you think the Dutch approach Janelle describes here sounds really so different from the German one? To me, it really sounds like much of what I grew up with. It might be very different, depending on where in Germany you live (which region, rural vs urban etc), though, and I’m also not sure how drastically things have changed back home in the 16 years since I moved, so I’m curious about your view on the current cultural landscape in Germany.
Hello Anja,
Thanks for asking about my opinion. And that's what it can be: A single opinion... based on my many experiences and following Janelle on Facebook practically since she came over here.
I'm living in Bonn, Bad Godesberg exactly, it's not a big city and it's not rural. And it's at the Southern end of Nordrhein- Westfalen. Nothing like Berlin, though. But as I did never live in Berlin it is difficult to compare it to here.
What I can tell you is that in fact there is quite a BIG difference between the German and the Dutch health-system, school-system, food-control, respect and taking in consideration for our citizens.
Let's say it has very much deteriorated and is going for the worse.
So, yes, I think the Dutch approach Janelle describes really sounds very different to the German one!
Thanks for your response! Janelle’s descriptions sound so much like what I remember from my childhood and college years, but that was in the 80s-mid-2000. I still have friends and family back home, so I have definitely heard disturbing stories about how much worse things have gotten, especially with regard to xenophobia and economic issues. But hearing things is definitely very different from living them. And I’m totally not in the loop on the current reality of schooling since all my kids were born here in California.
That’s so sad to hear that Germany has changed so drastically. I probably shouldn’t be surprised, though, looking at how much support the AfD has been getting, things must be going in the wrong directions.
I’m really curious what public political discourse looks like in Germany these days. I imagine the age of the internet and social media landscape probably has reshaped that quite a bit too, over the past decade and a half.
Hello, Anja,
Thanks for your response as well.
I will write an answer for you tomorrow, as I'm just going to call it a night/day... it's 1.22 am...
Hello Anja,
You're right supposing that the Internet and social media have shaped the political discourse in Germany. Very much so. It's very difficult to say there's a main stream - if not the official news channels. Everybody, I.e. EVERY political community or party, is declaring a mixture of Truth and Lies and as a member of the public it's extremely difficult to find out the facts. Sometimes the facts are just put together in a way they appear differently..
Maybe the thing which is lacking amidst all this apparent "freedom" could be a real ethic approach. So: One day before the elections there is a lot of chaos "in the air".
Hopefully, after this period of chaos, there will be a better and more human period.
Loved this piece! Makes me want to cry. Makes me want to move to the Netherlands... except for the bit about the weather. But then again, I've been wearing metal spikes on my boots for the past couple weeks so I don't fall on the omnipresent ice. :-) How wonderful, and how very interesting, it must be to live where open discussion and debate is the norm.
Thank you.
Love this insight. I feel like I'm in don't look up most days - "if we can't agree that (the end of the world) is a bad fucking thing, what the hell happened to us? How do we even talk to each other, how do we fix it?" And yes it is petty af, emotionally stunted men incapable of insight, schoolyard bullies with unlimited power. It is not the America I was taught to love growing up in the 90s, the one of open discourse and equal rights and the place where everyone wanted to be - and oh how critical thinking and emotional maturity are needed for building that.
I just fucking love you Janelle. One of your best ever.