Life Without a Garbage Disposal and Other Mild Tragedies
Just kidding I don't actually need most of the shit America told me I needed for a comfortable life. Thanks, Netherlands. Mostly. I think.
We all know the USA can be a touch on the, um, materialistic side. A bit excessive in its consumption. Very much into BIG THINGS. Cars. Refrigerators. Houses. Cereal boxes.
Americans who visit Europe immediately notice how small everything is. Europeans wander out of Costco in a sort of dazed existential crisis. Actually I’ve heard of it happening in a mere Target aisle.
A lot of this is simply a matter of space. Namely, Europe doesn’t have any.
And for those of you who watch the seemingly endless TikToks making fun of Americans for referring to “Europe” as if it’s one united place as opposed to a continent, let me explain that we all (people living here) refer to Europe as fucking Europe and we all know what we mean: the EU, and probably more specifically, unfortunately, Western Europe.
No, nobody is talking about Russia. You know that. I know that. We all know that.
When we want to speak of European countries in general, all fucking Europeans refer to “Europe.”
What obviously deserves being made fun of is the American sitting in a cafe in Paris speaking of “how things are in Europe” even though her entire repertoire of related experience is sitting in that single cafe in Paris.
However it must be acknowledged that we Americans aren’t exactly known for our geographic prowess. For example, Americans continue to ask me how things are going in Denmark, to which I respond, “I would not know.”
Because I live in The Netherlands.
I believe they’re confused by the word “Dutch,” which starts with the same letter as the country of Denmark and therefore they must be related.
And yet, there are norms that can be spoken of as a sort of “throughout” Europe type of thing, for example, kindergartners not getting murdered at circle time and strange cultural practices like healthcare and labor rights — so in other words I think we need to go a bit easier on people.
Except Parisian cafe woman who’s like I UNDERSTAND EUROPE NOW THAT I HAVE SEEN THE EIFFEL TOWER AND MONA LISA FOR 14 SECONDS THROUGH MY PHONE’S CAMERA.
Funny thing is, I often hear something similar from Europeans who spent a week in New York City and believe they understand America. Just kidding. No European thinks they understand America since Trump was elected. It’s stunned confusion all around.
I just smile. The week you spent in New York, Hans, does not tell you what my whole country is like. In their defense, it’s hard to imagine how different the regions are of the USA, how it does in many ways feel like different countries.
Anyway, I am deeply off topic at this point. What follows is a lighthearted, old-school blog/Buzzfeed style list of shit I learned I really don’t need the way I thought I needed them while living in America.
A garbage disposal
In the words of a Dutch plumber who came to our house a few years ago, “Why would you have a knife blade spinning around in circles where your fingers can reach?” BECAUSE IT IS CONVENIENT, BRAM. IT IS CONVENIENT. Although, since they don’t really exist here, or, better said, they do not exist at a price we’re willing to pay, we have lived six years without a garbage disposal. I’ve never seen one in any house here.
I admit I was a bit baffled at first by things like chicken noodle soup or a rice pan that’s been soaked in water for a while so there are all those damn grains floating around. Then I discovered I can hang a little hand strainer by kitchen sink, the end.
(Note: If you’re a super American and thus still confused, the idea is you use the strainer to pour the stuff THROUGH, then you dump that in the trash or compost, which I don’t keep because come on.
Note II: A Dutch neighbor suggested we just flush such things down the toilet and my head spun around a few times — had never occurred to me. We’ve done this occasionally but I prefer the strainer thing. I have no idea if food-down-toilet is a common practice here or if that guy was a weirdo or if he was fucking with us. Welcome to a life abroad.)
A microwave
Turns out everything can be reheated in the oven or on the stove, and generally in a more tasty way. It also doesn’t have the random insane pockets of inferno heat microwaves create.
No, you can’t microwave popcorn. That is true. We make it in a pot.
Pizza is a thing I now actually enjoy eating as a leftover because I reheat it in a frying pan with a bit of olive oil and the bottom gets all crispy and if I cover it, the cheese gets all melty and it’s as good or better than the day I got it. Fun fact, we once had an American housesit for us while we were in Spain for a month, and due to the fact that we had no microwave she “just ate takeout and prepared food from the store” because she had no idea how to make meals without it. That was a wild moment.
Chemical stain remover
Look, I get it. I’m old and boring. But I need you to understand something. Just this week I removed beet juice from a white linen shirt that had been drying there for two weeks using this little Marseille baking soda soap bar I bought for 4 euros at a shop around the corner. It works so well. I have removed turmeric, wine, all kinds of shit. I do not understand but I know it works better than any chemical I’ve ever used and it’s just soap, dude. Well, and apparently “orange essential oil.”
Cold medicine that makes you leave earth
I have tried all of the European holistic/natural care shit that abounds in just about all of these countries, you know, sage and thyme cough syrups, eucalyptus drops, honey throat teas and what I have found is that they are dog shit and NyQuil is god and I want my brain almost put to literal death after taking cold medicine.
Therefore I smuggle in Costco packs of NyQuil and I am the envy of every American expat in town. (I obviously share, come on.)
In slightly more unfortunate news, I realized one day that the reason the USA has meth-fueled cold medicine is that we have no labor rights so people must go to work sick. In The Netherlands, if they have a cold, they stay home and rest. They don’t need DayQuil and NyQuil. They just use the honey lemon lavender sage thyme calendula balm and call in sick for as long as they need, getting paid in full.
DARK.
“A house big enough for all of us”
Using my American understanding of a family’s needs, we have never lived in a house “big enough” for all of us since moving to The Netherlands. If you told me 8 years ago my family of six, including an adult child and two teenagers, would actually do just fine in 900 square feet, no closets, one shower, one tiny pantry, one small outdoor shed, and a refrigerator that will only hold enough food for 2 dinners maximum, well, I may have believed you but I would have thought we’d be absolutely miserable.
We did not live in luxury or massive space in California, and I never understood the soaring suburban 5k square foot monstrosities housing 4 people in the USA (I could never understand why they wouldn’t take that money and buy a lovely old place with a little land and some character away from the humans but I digress).
What I learned is that you FIGURE IT OUT. You buy less stuff. You absolutely do not buy much because there is no room for it. Every bed has two sheets: one on the bed, one being washed. There are no extras, no piles of linens you’ve had for no apparent reason since you were married 15 years ago. You see things you like while out and about and it doesn’t matter if you want it, you can’t have it. There is no space. It simplifies life, actually.
(Note: The Netherlands is way too densely populated and I cannot wait to retire in the Pyrenees with Mac and dogs and maybe 2-4 llamas, a garden, and absolutely no people within a few kilometers of me. I CANNOT WAIT TO HAVE NO HUMANS AROUND ME. But I really learned how little humans need, and how much STUFF and EXCESS I had in the US.)
Antibiotics
At least 3 times I was sure we would die without antibiotics because it was an infection and the Dutch nutmeg of a doctor had told me to “let the body have a chance to fight it” and “call in 48 hours if you still have symptoms and fever” and then I hang up the phone sure I or my child would be dead from sepsis in a day or two but actually we rest and drink a bunch of water and do the hippy/Euro shit the doctor said and, like, we get better.
Please settle down. I am not saying we don’t need antibiotics. I am saying clearly humans don’t need them as often as they were used on me and my family in the USA. I truly had a skewed understanding of when, why, and how they were needed to fight infection. There have been multiple moments in The Netherlands when I was sure we needed them but were denied. Then I panicked. Then my body healed it. Now I trust them (and my body) a bit more.
In totally unrelated news I’m sure, the Dutch do not have the USA’s problems with antibiotic-resistant superbugs. Also the Dutch have a much higher threshold for “settle down, you’ll be fine, sure you may die but you probably won’t so let’s just see what happens, ja?”
Opiate pain pills
Look, I’ll be honest, when a member of my family had a testicular torsion and then surgery to fix it and the doctor told me they did not need to come home with an opiate pain medication, I almost flipped my ever-loving lid. In my head, I accused them of torture. I asked what the pain management plan was. They said, “Well, the numbness shot will last around 6 hours after the surgery, and then you’ll alternate paracetamol and ibuprofen every two hours, and he’ll be fine.” Fun fact, they think ibuprofen is the very, very strong stuff. No, I am not joking.
I was sure my loved one would die in agony on the couch.
You already know: Nothing happened. Their way worked fine. I was so fucking mad at the Dutch doctors I almost wanted my family member to writhe in pain just so I could be right, call back to scream at them. It’s fine. I’m very healthy.
But every time I asked my family member, he said, “I’m fine, actually.”
The Dutch prescribe so few pain pills, you know you’re really and truly fucked when they do prescribe them. For example, in 2019, not long after arriving, I had searing, constant neuropathic pain for 2 straight weeks and finally got into the pain doctor, asking immediately in complete seriousness if they would cut off my foot so it didn’t hurt anymore — of course they explained this wouldn’t help because I’d just have phantom pain — so I moved to begging the doctor to help me in a sort of frantic state, absolutely beside myself with the every-20-second shooting fire down my foot that kept me up most nights and killed most days.
The doctor gave me Oxycontin while we waited for the spinal block appointment, and well, yeah, I knew I needed it, could trust the doc who gave it to me, wouldn’t be left to rot in addiction on it, and that she understood what she was prescribing, why, and how serious and dangerous that medication is. I was off it in 3 months.
Portions that only make sense if you are three people masquerading as one
Alright, my tongue is in my cheek. But seriously, let’s talk about it even though it’s cliched. The American supersize situation, while I knew it existed, I didn’t know how unnecessary it is, truly. I will admit that when I pay €4.00 for a Coca Cola or ginger beer in The Netherlands that’s in a bottle resembling a dollhouse prop, I sometimes wish there was more, and no, I never, ever buy another one because I’m not spending that kind of money on soda.
It is truly seen as a little sip here and there. Wine is usually cheaper than soda. I have never, not once, in 6 years of living here, and in no other country in Europe, seen a “free refill” arrangement, and I’m not sure I’ve ever seen sodas not sold in bottles. Although, Italy and Spain have some normal sized bottles. Go them.
It’s not just soda, though. It’s coffee. It’s ice cream scoops. It’s everything.
But here’s what’s interesting: I don’t miss the alternative. I don’t miss Starbucks coffee the size of my head. I don’t miss a double-scoop of ice cream I could never finish in a million years. It’s not hard to accept the smaller sizes. It doesn’t feel like a sacrifice. Odd.
And the funny thing is the way it sets people up, I think, for a very different understanding of consumption. Some friends came from the USA to visit us in Haarlem and we went out for gelato. Our kids were all the same age. They got their 2 scoops on a cone and we were all sitting around eating. The American kids enjoyed it but asked why it was SO SMALL, and could not believe how little they got. They complained to their parents.
I remember looking at my kids who were looking at their gelatos rather confused. I’m not saying my kids are enlightened Europeans now who understand moderation. My point is simply that it was normal to them, had always been normal to them, and it’s really interesting how excess (or not) can become culturally normalized. They had never looked at their gelato and thought “Why don’t I have MORE?” because that was the size of gelato. It’s like we only wish we had MORE and demand MORE when we got it once and it was taken away. Interesting, no?
get ready for some screaming:
YOU KNOW WHAT I DO MISS, EUROPE, YES, ALL OF YOU: FUCKING TAP WATER NOT SERVED IN SHOT GLASSES, POURED FREELY AND ON DEMAND OR WITHOUT ME EVEN ASKING AND EVEN, NOW STAY WITH ME HERE, WITH SOME FUCKING ICE CUBES
Seriously, America, I want you to take a moment and offer a deep and sincere prayer of gratitude for the free-flowing cups of ice water that arrive at your table, are refilled over and over again, and nobody even notices because it’s so common. Why we’re not allowed tap water anywhere ever in like the entire EU will baffle me until the day I die. Bring your own water bottle, or you will die of thirst, and no restaurant will assist you. It’s the European way.
Well, I could do add more, but I’ve written enough, and I’ll do another some other time. There is so much more.
Love love your writing!!!!! I be about cracked up about the Denmark thing.
I am an expat here in the US (Virginia) 32 years , from Switzerland ( of course everybody thinks I am from Sweden (the ‚S’) and it is perpetually cold, not north of Italy , east of France, south of Germany - duuuhhh ). Met a German guy in Mexico and moved to Germany after 9 years here. Then back to the US with him 6 years later.
When my man saw a garbage disposal for the first time ,he did not know what it was. We removed it recently, unnecessary and dangerous.
We live in a „little“ house of 1200 sf, the absolute smallest house compared to all of our friends.
We left Germany because both of us cannot stand the climate.
Now we have been out of the US for 15 months total since August 2023, „Europe“ and mostly Southeast Asia . Needless to say we love that climate.
Just came back after 6 months away and we cannot stand it here anymore. Preparing our move to Germany where my husband will build a little 400 sf addition to his parental house . Even the rain is better than what is going here. Jeez Louise! Be happy you left ( why did you? Curious) .
The water question we think is just ridiculous here though, nobody needs to be hydrated at all times, especially not in the Dutch climate. And that darned ice - so exaggerated. But here we go. I grew up in Switzerland (35 years) and will never change. You are from the US, so there has to be ice. As simple as that. All beautiful. Thanks for making my day.
As someone who grew up without a garbage disposal, we often dumped food scraps down the toilet. Although did also have a strainer item, so when it was your turn to wash dishes (yeah we didn't have a dishwasher either) after you were done you had to whip out the plug to drain the sink but then at LIGHTNING SPEED replace it with the strainer thing to avoid little chunks going down the drain. Or face the wrath of my father. My house now has a garbage disposal which I actually hate because every single time I turn it on I have an uncontrollable vision of sticking my hand in there. Why brain why.